enviromindlessness

July 2, 2001

Well, President W. has decided to reopen Yellowstone National Park to snowmobiles, meaning that what was once a pastoral home to diverse wildlife and the quiet of nature will now sound like a NASCAR race. The only trace of wildlife will be the ruts left in the snow by these gas-belching little SUVs on skis.

This alone is enough to tick me off, except that now, W. has also appointed a lumber industry executive to head the Forestry department, which means that by the time I get around to visiting Yellowstone Park, it probably won’t be there anymore.

All this, on top of the fact that W. refuses to sign the Kyoto agreement to ban the production of gasses that are causing the global thermal meltdown. If he stopped to think about it, W. would realize that within a few more years, there won’t be any snow in Yellowstone National Park for the snowmobilers.

And the really sad thing in the current political environment is that your average environmentalist has been barking up the wrong tree for so long now, he has not noticed that the tree he is barking up is really a piece of lumber that’s about to be run through a very large saw. Because we’re all so wrapped up in being politically correct, the wood is stamped “environmentally sound” just to make everyone feel better.

Folks, I say it is time to come clean and admit that none of us really cares enough about the environment and, in fact, we would rather reap the benefits of its destruction than pay more for a gallon of gas.

The slogan of this new movement of honesty should be, “Lets just get it over with.” The goal of our movement is to accelerate the destruction of the environment just as quickly and expeditiously as possible. I call it the “pollution solution.”

By just getting it over with, we’ll get rid of those whining environmentalists who are having about as much impact as a flea on an elephant’s butt. We’ll also get rid of our frustration with all those corporate politicians who care more about the fast buck than the endangered duck.

We’ll get rid of all of our fears about everything from global warming to arsenic in the water. We’ll get rid of the need to recycle. Do you really enjoy separating the paper from the plastic from the glass from the foam and then putting it all in different garbage cans and bins? Having to constantly remember which goes out on which day, then arguing about who is going to take it out. I’m talking about one can that just takes everything and dumps it into the ground.

Let’s just get it over with.

Geeze, by this point in my life, after consuming God-knows-how-many preservatives and chemicals, I’m not even biodegradable, so why should I care what a takeout coffee cup is made of?

We can all just stop trying to figure out whether the environmental cup is half empty or half full by just not worrying about it.

As part of Operation Get It Over With, I’m going to call for a “million-machete march” in support of our president, George Bush. For the march, George will just tell us where to go and we will take our machetes, chain saws, DDT, you name it, and jump into our SUVs and just chop it all down.

Since our President doesn’t believe the scientific proof that there is a giant whole in the ozone layer, that means we can all go lie in the sun and compete to see who can get skin cancer the fastest.

What energy crisis? Just keep pumping that crude and we will use it.

Admit it: guzzling gas is more fun than actually worrying about what happens when we run out.

Take the muzzle off the guzzle and give me a ten-liter engine that gets three miles to the gallon. Help accelerate the end of this doomed planet.

I mean, we know this sucker is doomed. So what’s the point of prolonging the trip?

So go ahead, uncork those wells, drill for oil in the wildlife refuge in the Artic. By the time we finish, the Earth will look like swiss cheese, there will be so many holes dotting the landscape.

Snowmobiles in Yellowstone? Come on Mr. President, why stop there — think bigger! I’m sure Dick Cheney can think bigger. He’ll probably suggest we need twelve-wheel semis running through that park to really do the job right.

And the hell with corporate responsibility — why should those guys have to pay? For instance: I buy my light bulbs from General Electric. Do I really want General Electric to have to pay to detoxify the Hudson River that they polluted? No, I just want cheap light bulbs — and I’m going to need a lot of them because my commitment to just getting it over with means never turning off a light.

To get it over with, you have to think like me. When I am on a trip somewhere, I want to get it over with as fast as I can so I always drive at least twenty miles over the speed limit.

I say we need to go from environmentalism to “enviromindlessness,” which is, by definition, more fun.

Join President Bush now and get your free bumper sticker that reads, “Lets Just Get It Over With.”

Ignore those annoying enviro-terrorists that the liberal media loves so much. My daughter sounds like one of them: “Dad, what about global warming? Dad, what about the Greenhouse Effect? Dad, what about the ozone layer? Dad, they are killing Flipper!”

For years, I worked so hard to sound like I care. Well, no more. The heck with it. The next time my daughter calls with one of her questions, my response will be, “Honey, I’m doing everything I can to just get it over with. Now quit bothering me and get with the program.”

Hopefully, she will respect my honesty and not have some environmental group put out a contract on me. Maybe I’ll buy her the biggest SUV I can find before I tell her the truth — then maybe she’ll be more likely to get with the program when she has an investment in it, like we adults do.

I believe that I have done my part today as a member of “Toxic People for A Toxic Planet” and a charter member of the “Let’s Just Get It Over With” contingent. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to hit the road, pouring as much carbon monoxide as I can in aid of our cause.

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